f-list, meet alpreg.

[mikkeneko]

Title: Misconceptions
Category: Weird, humor, CRACK
Warnings: mpreg, CRACK
Pairings: None
Author's notes: To be honest, I always wanted to do a Sue with this origin story...

...yeah.




"What do you mean, you're PREGNANT?" Ed yelled through the door.

"Just what I said," the muffled, cranky voice came back to him, sounding strangely hollow from being reflected out of a toilet bowl. After a minute, a horrible retching sound punctuated the words.

"Just because you're getting sick in the morning doesn't mean you're pregnant!" Ed howled back. "And neither do the stupid cravings or the fatigue or anything! You aren't pregnant, you're sick, and I'm getting you to a doctor as soon you get out of that damn bathroom!"

He banged on the door with his metal fist, and nearly fell over as it swung open under his hand, bringing him eye to glaring, bloodshot eye with his brother. "Oh yes we're going to the doctor," Al snapped tersely, "because I am pregnant and I want to know why! The strip came up blue, Nii-san, go look for yourself. Chemistry doesn't lie!"

As expected, the appeal to science was enough to stall Ed's denial, temporarily at least. Al headed into the bedroom, while Ed rushed into the bathroom to view the incriminating strip for himself.

"This isn't possible," Ed's voice drifted faintly through the doorway. Al ignored him, sorting through their combined laundry for a pair of pants with a loose waistline.

"Al, how could you have gotten pregnant? I know for a fact that you can't have had sex with anyone, we've been sharing the same damn bed every night since you got your -- Hey!" Ed stuck his head out of the bathroom, blond hair wild and disheveled. "It isn't... It couldn't be... No way! I'm too young to be a father!"

Al ignored him, grimly yanking on a pair of loose drawstring pants. "How could you have gotten pregnant from just sharing a bed? We haven't even had SEX!" Ed wailed from the bathroom.

With a sigh, Al picked up the receiver and began to dial the number for the town's doctor.

"AND ANYWAY, YOU'RE A BOY!"



"Well," the doctor said, and cleared his throat in the sudden silence, "It seems congratulations are in order."

"So that means he's not pregnant, right?" Ed demanded. Al shot him an exasperated look, which he ignored. "Congratulations on him having some kind of rare weird hormone condition that makes it look like he's pregnant, but he's not?"

The doctor cleared his throat again. "As a matter of fact," he said, "he is, or at least he is according to all the tests that I can run, pregnant. Physical, chemical, ultrasound -- I could run an x-ray as an extra check, but there is some concern as to what that might do to the fetus."

"About how far along is the, er, baby, doctor?" Al said, cutting across Ed's next explosive denial.

"It's difficult to say for sure, of course," the doctor answered, after a nervous glance at Ed, "but several months, at least. It's rather rare for this... condition to go unnoticed for so long, although I suppose in this instance I can see why you would not, er, suspect..."

"Forget when!" Ed broke in, sputtering. "What I want to know is how you can possibly justify this scientifically!"

"Well," the doctor said; he got up from his chair and switched on a light screen, clipping up a few films over it. "As puzzling as it seems, that indeed seems to be the case. This is a scan of your younger brother's abdomen. All the organs which you would expect to find in a young man of his age are there, as you can see, with several important additions."

"Additions?" Ed demanded.

"These --" the doctor pointed out a couple of swoops of white among the gray, "are fully developed female ovaries. Here are the fallopian tubes, here is what appears to be a fully functional uterus, and yes, there is the infant." The doctor eyed the splash of gray critically for a moment. "Seems to be progressing quite normally for the third month."

"But that's bullshit!" Ed exclaimed, gesturing wildly. "How did that... get in there?"

The sweep of his hand took in the entire array of organs, but the doctor, with his back to the young man, didn't notice. "That is an interesting question, young man," he agreed, "because if you will look closely, you may have noticed that certain other major components of a female reproductive system are missing." He glanced over at Ed's blank look, and clarified. "Specifically, your brother does not appear to have a vaginal opening."

"I could have told you that," Al muttered peevishly.

"But if..." Ed stopped, and turned bright red. He might not have had a father to get The Talk from, but he certainly knew his anatomy. "If there's no... then how did the baby get in there?"

"Well, that's the puzzle, isn't it." Slowly, the doctor pulled off his glasses and began to clean them. Ed and Al exchanged an uneasy glance, then looked back at the man.

He put his glasses back on, and cleared his throat. "So tell me, young man, are either you or your brother particularly devout?"

There was a moment of silence, while both brothers gawked at the man.

"That's it, Al," Ed announced, jumping abruptly to his feet and pulling Al to his. "We're leaving."

Al's cry of 'But Niisan!' was ignored as the determined youth swept out the door. "Thanks for your help, left the kettle on, sorry Doc, glad to hear your wife's doing okay, hope we never have to see you again!" he yelled as he wrestled Al out the door.

"Be sure to come back in a few weeks for your second trimester checkup!" the doctor called after them, as the door swung close. "And avoid tuna fish!"



"You didn't have to be so rude, Niisan," Al reproached his brother on the long hike back home. "He was just being helpful."

"He was just being a total quack is what he was," Ed snorted. "What kind of man of science is he supposed to be? I'm surprised if he can tell an ovary from a hen's egg!"

"Niisan," Al rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Will you settle down already? We have to think, not panic."

"I'm not panicking! I'm just telling it like it is!" Ed objected. "He's totally looped! How could you be three months pregnant? You haven't even got your body back for three months yet!"

"No, I haven't," Al said wearily. "Think about that for a moment, Niisan."

"Are you saying --" Ed sputtered, and then stopped walking suddenly, as his brain finally switched on. "Al, are you suggesting that somebody knocked up your body while you weren't in it?"

"Well, it certainly didn't happen when I was in it," Al said indignantly. "I think I would have noticed."

"So while it was in the Gate..." Ed blanched a little. "Your body in the... and the Gate... took your masculinity?"




"What was that for?" Ed asked, a little muffled around his split and swollen lip. "It was a simple question."

"Now who's being unscientific, Niisan?" Al scowled, and shook out his hand. "Honestly, you know better! You've seen me naked enough times since then! My masculinity is just fine! And besides, what would that have to do with me being pregnant? The real question is, how did the, the extra parts get in here, because I sure didn't have them when I was eight!"

"Oh." Ed grew momentarily serious, and frowned, still nursing his jaw slightly. "But Al, the Gate, it, it... takes stuff away, as a toll... for the information it gives out. It doesn't add stuff."

"Remember Wrath?" Al reminded him, and nodded at the dark expression that passed briefly over his brother's face. "He got your limbs, Nii-san. They weren't destroyed, were they? So... it's strange... but it's, well, it's happened before!"

"I suppose," Ed said grudgingly, "I can't think of any other explanation... argh, no, it's too weird! Where did the organs come from in the first place, is what I want t know? Does this mean that somewhere out there, there's a woman walking around without a wo..."

The words died in his throat. Slowly, Ed and Al met each other's eyes, both wearing identical expressions of sickly terror.

"Maybe we'd better call Sensei when we get back home," Al whispered in a very hushed voice; on instinct, at the sound of her name they both clutched at each other and looked around for the incoming attack.

"Yeah," Ed gulped. "The only thing that worries me, is well --"

He stopped, and Al looked at him sideways. "Is what?"

"Well..." Ed looked uneasy. "Sensei lost her... she did her transmutation right after her baby was born, right? She couldn't have been pregnant again so soon. So how did... I mean who did... I mean, where did the other half of the...?"

Another moment of silence trickled by.

"Maybe we'd better not call Sensei."





The two of them eyed the phone like a poisonous snake.

"You call her," Ed said.

"No, you call her," Al retorted.

"You call her, you're the one who's pregnant."

"That's not my fault," Al protested.

"Well, it's not my fault either," Ed huffed.

"I'm in a delicate condition. You call her."

"She's less likely to kill you than she is to kill me."

"No she's not, you call her."

"Yes, she is, she always liked you better."

"She did not."

"You call her."

"You call her!"



"Is this the Curtis house," Ed said, glowering across the room at Al. He wasn't sure, but he suspected that Al had deliberately put his face in the way of that hit so that the resulting nosebleed would prevent him from talking on the phone. "Yeah, hey, Mason. It's me. Me. Ed. It's Ed! Who did you think it was? Anyway, can you get Sensei? I need to... I mean, Al needs to tell her something. Yeah, okay, thanks."

Al glared at him for his choice of phrasing, over the handkerchief that was staunching the nosebleed, and Ed ignored a twinge of guilt. He was 95% sure Al had done that on purpose.

A voice in his ear ripped him back to the task at hand. "Sensei! I'm s -- I mean, um. Hi. What's up? ....That's good, that's good.... Oh. Um, that's not so good. Sorry to hear that.... Yeah, he's doing real good... About that... Al is -- no! We're not, I swear! We haven't even heard from the military in months! We -- no, really!"

Ed winced, pulled the receiver away from his ear a bit, and hissed at Al, who had been surreptitiously creeping towards the door of the room. "Sensei, can I talk for a moment, this is kind of important!"

He rolled his eyes; finally, she let him get a word in edgewise. "Um. Okay. It's about Al. He's kind of..." in the family way, okay that wouldn't work. "He's a little..." sick didn't seem to work quite right. "Something's happened..." involving the Gate, we really need your advice, that was likely to set her off. "Al might be..." pregnant with your child, okay, anything besides that -- "Pregnant with your child," he blurted out.

On the other side of the room, Al inhaled suddenly and choked on his own blood.

"I said, he probably might be pregna --"

At the noise that then came from the phone, both brothers involuntarily jerked and threw themselves flat on the floor. The receiver continued to dangle in mid-air, emitting a tinny toned-down version of the wrath of God which was barely, just barely, endurable by merely human ears.

Eventually, the storm died down, and a cringing Edward cautiously reached out to pick up the receiver again. "Um... Sensei?" he said tentatively, then cringed at the reply.

"Yes, Sensei."

"Sensei?"

"...No, Sensei."

"But --"

"Yes, Sensei!"

With a final wince, Ed pulled back to look at the phone, then carefully set it down in the cradle.

Al looked at him. "Well?"

"...she says she wants the full story later."

"Oh." Al braced himself. "Is she going to call back?"

"No." Ed looked like Armageddon had just been announced. "She's coming here."

"Oh."

They both looked at the phone.

"Think we could reach Xerxes before she gets here?"





--epilogue, six months later--



It was some time before Ed was able to sneak back into the mother-as-it-were's hospital ward. "Hey, Al," he greeted the patient. "How's it going?"

"Great," Al replied spacily, watching his hand move slowly up and down. "Everything's all shiny."

"Yeeeah, they tanked you up good, didn't they?" Ed sat down on the edge of the bed, and grinned. "I brought you a visitor. I figured she'd want to see you."

At the word "she," Alphonse defensively clapped his hands over his ears and looked around fearfully; when there was no sign of Izumi, however, he relaxed. "Who?" he said, and then caught sight of the bundle in Ed's arms. "Oh!" he said. "The baby? It's a she? I mean, she's a she?"

"Yup!" Ed considered the baby, considered the relative coordination of Al's hands, and decided not to risk it. Instead, he turned around and scooted back so he was sitting shoulder to shoulder with his brother. "Here's the little piece of grief now."

"Huh." Al was inspecting her carefully. "Funny, I thought her eyes would be blue. Like kittens."

"They aren't?"

"No," Al said, frowning slightly. "In fact, they're kind of... red."

The brothers stared at each other.

"Well," Al said dubiously, "I guess she got it from her.... er.... father. Whoever he is."

"Well, as long as they aren't purple," Ed grumbled. "I had a hard enough time outrunning Sensei in the first place."

"Fortunately, I knew where you'd be going!" Both brothers froze, and looked up with wide eyes to see Izumi in the doorway. "For fuck's sake, it's a good thing I'm moving in with you. Neither of you have a fucking clue what to do with babies."

"Sensei!" Al protested. "There are children present!"

"Yeah, think of the children," Ed chimed in quickly.

Izumi rolled her eyes, but only planted her hands on her hips as she regarded them. "So," she said in a somewhat softer tone. "What are you going to name her?"

"I get to name her?" Al said with some surprise. He looked down, and his expression softened. "You know... I hadn't thought about it, but I think... I want to name her... Mary. Like in the story, the one with the immaculate conce...."

"That's dumb," Ed said immediately. "It's a stupid story, and anyway, Mary was the name of the mother, not the baby."

"Well, what do you suggest?" Al countered, hurt.

"Susan," Ed said, because he hadn't really had anything else in mind.

"Oh, like that's any better!"

"I like Susan," Ed defended his choice. "It's good and solid. Practical. Mary is all gooey and romantic!"

"Oh yeah, and who says you get a say, you little twit?" Izumi growled, and went for Edward's ear. "If he wants Mary then the kid's name will be Mary!"

Ed yelped. Ed bristled. "Hey! I'm her uncle.... sort of.... a little! I should get some say!"

"Like hell!"

Al hummed slightly, ignoring the other two entirely, and focusing on Mary, or Susan, or whatever her name was going to be. He still didn't really know how she'd come into existence at all, or why he'd been selected to carry her, or what amazing adventures or tragic misfortunes lay in this black-haired, red-eyed, alchemy-born infant's future, but somehow, he got the impression that she was going to be very very very special.



~end (or IS it...?)

Comments

[iniq.livejournal.com]

*dehd*
Amazing how you make the ew-part of the theory on how he got the womb hilarious too. =p
Love the visual descriptions/writing... how you can see the scenes and their facial expressions when reading. *__*

Very special indeed.
It's kind of odd to think about a Mary-Sue that doesn't have a tragic past yet... kind of mind-boggling.

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Yet! Yet! One will come! Her classmates will tease her about her coloring! Her parents will fail to understand her and take away her PS2s! Then they'll die horribly in a fire! ^_^

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

...would this be the, er...immaculate conception story that was mentioned before? ;)p

Thi's'll teach me to leave the internet alone for two days...

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Shit, Mikke, I just realized I'm going to miss Iron Het, because SURPRISE I WORK FOREVER.

Have a great time! I'll be wishing I was there. ;_;

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

HA HA HA HA what there wasn't enough Elricest subtext for you? :)

[mizukori.livejournal.com]

Priceless. I was laughing the whole way through.

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

It confused the heck out of me that you and Sky have the same icon -- I thought you'd commented twice! :)

[zrana.livejournal.com]

XD!!!!!!

For being CRACK, this is SO much more believable than the (so far) only ever other mpreg I've read. XD (THat one just went to have something called "male pregnancy" as if it was rare but documented, and seemed to totally skip out on the 'vaginal opening' needed for birth--no cesarean or whatever mentioned. And it DID have the birth scene.... It also had an alchemy performing Homunculus, proving the idiocy of the author, and angst, a standard element for any newbie pre-teen author...)

ANYWAYS~! Love the doctor! Loved the phone conversation. LOVED IT ALL! XD

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Heh heh, mpreg is way out in the crack field anyway... but it's my opinion that if you're going to do anything you should at least try to do it right! :)

[sky-dark.livejournal.com]

I think you may have reached my crack OD levels with this one XD

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I was able to do what all that zoofic was not! Yatta!

[velvet-mace.livejournal.com]

Laughing my ass off. Absolutly DED!

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Bwaha, a fic with a body count. >D

[saya-aensland.livejournal.com]

*tries to imagine Scar's brother's dick and Izumi's womb having hawt disembodied organ sex in the Gate* *fails*

[raptorix.livejournal.com]

*Brain has melted at attempting to produce such mental imagery*

[tavella.livejournal.com]

It's the best Mary Sue origin ever!

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

*bows and grins*

[bard-linn.livejournal.com]

I love the part with Izumi. AAAH that's too amusing! :)

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

She just sort of waltzed in and took over the story! I couldn't stop her! XD

[kesenaixtsumi.livejournal.com]

XDD SQUEE.
Never thought that mpreg would come out from teh lovely Mikkeneko, but definitely not objecting. ♥
XD that is the most precious thing. Ever.

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Heh heh, I've actually written mpreg before. :) But I never write it seriously, it's always parody.

[zalia.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

What a great crack intro for a Mary-Sue ^_^

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Isn't it? I actually conceived of that ages ago... the Alpreg fic idea came much later. Blame Sky and Circe for encouraging me to write it. XD It was only at the last minute that I thought of joining the two bunnies.

[asidian.livejournal.com]

......wow.

That's just.... wow. Hilarious and bizarre, and so many points for a semi-plausible explanation and Izumi being pissed off. XD;;

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Izumi needs more fic time. That woman is seriously awesome. :)

[reikah.livejournal.com]

YOU WIN AN INTERNET. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL. D:

[tavella.livejournal.com]

Mikke does win :)

[qem_chibati]

LMAO


Yes, little Mary Or Susan is going to be very special.

Really interesting story. ^_^

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Far more interesting than little Mary Susan will grow up to be, I'm sure :)

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

I love it when you write the funny mindfucks.

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

When do I write nonfunny mindfucks? ;_;

[siinik.livejournal.com]

Oh god, oh god. I don't really think it's healthy to laugh 'til you can't breath. XD Ack!

*dead*

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

*marks notch on keyboard!*

[glorfindel.livejournal.com]

oh you so must right more! That was hilarious and great!

yay for mpreg!!

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I'm not really a fan of mpreg when it's done seriously, but when it's crack... XD that's all good then.

[crack-alchemist.livejournal.com]

"Huh." Al was inspecting her carefully. "Funny, I thought her eyes would be blue. Like kittens."

oh god. dead and six in the morning. this is so cracked and hilarious, i can actually wrap my head around it! write more! yes, write more!

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I get the feeling Al got through his pregnancy by imagining he was carrying around what was basically a litter of cuddly kittens who would be alllll his own... :)

[animethief92.livejournal.com]

AWWWWWWWWWW!

I demand more NOW!

Just kidding, but I really did like this story and would like continuation.

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Continue this? XD Oh no, I wouldn't dare. It was the origin story I wanted, not the Mary Sue fic itself...

[jinxia.livejournal.com]

Whoa whoa whoa, YOU JUST WIN TEH INTERNET!

Damn, I'm still laughing from the sheer pefect logic-ness of it all XD

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I'll just put it with my others then. :D

[timchell.livejournal.com]

XDDDDDDDDDDDDD <---Yeah, I could keep going with that forever...

This was just too hilarious!! And possible! As soon as you got to the doc telling them about the organs I was thinkin' "lol, wouldn't it be funny if he got Izumi's organs from the Gate."

And then...XDDDDDDDDDD, yeah.

Red eyes? Ishbalan somehow? If you continue......I will be a happy monkey. *nods*

[raptorix.livejournal.com]

... You know, Lust was created by an Isballan... Who lost his penis.

[ketita.livejournal.com]

Awesome XD. Really well done, great crack.
Funny, though, I always thought Mary-Sues jumped full born out of their parents (if they have any) heads or whatever, since they don't usually have to go through the whole diaper-changing stage...

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

No, because they have to be able to awe the world by starting to walk at 6 months and read at 2 years, and do alchemy at age 4. :D Otherwise they might not be special enough.

[raptorix.livejournal.com]

*Brain is a puddle of OMG your logic is genius and sick and twisted and FRICKEN SCARY*

TOO MANY SEXUAL ORGANS CROSSING THE GATE AND FINDING THEIR WAY INTO BODIES THEY SHOULDN'T BE IN!! @_@


At least Al didn't get two penises... @_@;;;;;


.... OR DID HE?

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

XD XD No, no extra penises. Although in the conception stage of this fic there was much debate over whether or not Al was self-fertilizing. :)

[tobu-ishi.livejournal.com]

Right, three comments:

You are fricking impressive for making mpreg make even a cracked-out sort of sense. Cheers to you. Oh, and thanks to this fic, I now imagine the Truth sprawled out on its stomach with all its collected body parts spread out around it in boxes, like some kind of celestial teenage modeling kit fan. "Ooh, I put this here and that there and hey presto! Customized Alpreg model!"

Did Al get a hysterectomy while he was at it? Or is he going to have an extra, obsolete reproductive system swimming around in there forever?

And what about Sig? Is he moving in with them too? I bet he's always wanted to be a daddy...they can be one big happy massively dysfunctional family! (This Mary Sue is evidently going to be the sort with many tragical psychological issues...)

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I now imagine the Truth sprawled out on its stomach with all its collected body parts spread out around it in boxes, like some kind of celestial teenage modeling kit fan. "Ooh, I put this here and that there and hey presto! Customized Alpreg model!"

This is the best review I've ever gotten. :)

Yes, Al did get a hysterectomy, since because he lacks a vagina, menstruation would become a serious medical problem in the future. You don't want to know what Izumi did with the removed body parts. o.o

I actually don't know whether Izumi and Sig moved in with Ed and Al, or forced Ed and Al to move in with them... but either way, yeah, happy dysfunctional family. ^_^